Texts From Last Night

mzsoprano's Favorites Texts:

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  (907): View more from Alaska

  We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller

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  (907): We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller http://tfl.nu/mw3b
  Replies (6) Good night (1139) Bad night (2028) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs

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  (248): Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs http://tfl.nu/e5lz
  Replies (8) Good night (1891) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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  (937): Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work. http://tfl.nu/wxxj
  Replies (13) Good night (2779) Bad night (365)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

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  (617): Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns. http://tfl.nu/g37i
  Replies (28) Good night (4630) Bad night (1362) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.

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  (214): I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick. http://tfl.nu/4v25
  Replies (8) Good night (1746) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.

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  (717): I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass. http://tfl.nu/cjg7
  Replies (6) Good night (578) Bad night (749) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.

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  (315): We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked. http://tfl.nu/mwis
  Replies (3) Good night (1715) Bad night (249) Order T-Shirt
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?

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  (219): He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back? http://tfl.nu/dswq
  Replies (12) Good night (688) Bad night (2445) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.

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  (512): Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL. http://tfl.nu/149w
  Replies (12) Good night (552) Bad night (1974) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN

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  (603): YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN http://tfl.nu/ns4x
  Replies (16) Good night (1493) Bad night (672) Order T-Shirt
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??

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  (580): Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come?? http://tfl.nu/rcqs
  Replies (7) Good night (1006) Bad night (381) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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  (817): I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve. http://tfl.nu/17gc
  Replies (12) Good night (7931) Bad night (798) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him

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  (516): He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him http://tfl.nu/fil7
  Replies (10) Good night (856) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
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  (325): View more from Texas

  You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.

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  (325): You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt. http://tfl.nu/r2sr
  Replies (4) Good night (2257) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"

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  (732): yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing" http://tfl.nu/qoaq
  Replies (9) Good night (4168) Bad night (783) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago

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  (303): He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago http://tfl.nu/p1nu
  Replies (12) Good night (611) Bad night (1278) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Love me.

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Just for one nugget?

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  (508): Love me. (781): GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS. (508): Just for one nugget? http://tfl.nu/9y03
  Replies (6) Good night (2592) Bad night (569)
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  (323): View more from California

  No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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  (323): No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too. http://tfl.nu/d0fo
  Replies (24) Good night (7453) Bad night (830) Order T-Shirt
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  (424): View more from California

  This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it

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  (424): This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it http://tfl.nu/0y9z
  Replies (2) Good night (1012) Bad night (325) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved

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  (+44): I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved http://tfl.nu/iajb
  Replies (3) Good night (2435) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.

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  (901): A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird. http://tfl.nu/mrcn
  Replies (10) Good night (1139) Bad night (321) Order T-Shirt
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer

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  (712): Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer http://tfl.nu/7yso
  Replies (10) Good night (5364) Bad night (1122) Order T-Shirt
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.

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  (862): Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good. http://tfl.nu/j3wb
  Replies (6) Good night (2322) Bad night (781) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams

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  (774): This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams http://tfl.nu/o9iv
  Replies (5) Good night (1119) Bad night (611) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.

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  (901): I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort. http://tfl.nu/rrlp
  Replies (5) Good night (384) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
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  (432): View more from Texas

  dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"

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  (432): dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds" http://tfl.nu/wwid
  Replies (14) Good night (648) Bad night (1643)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal

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  (651): Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal http://tfl.nu/k2ew
  Replies (5) Good night (939) Bad night (325) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Are we going out tonight?

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  My conscience says no but my vag says yes

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  (920): Are we going out tonight? (414): My conscience says no but my vag says yes http://tfl.nu/5n9j
  Replies (7) Good night (2822) Bad night (936)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.

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  (603): I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee. http://tfl.nu/omfe
  Replies (13) Good night (975) Bad night (611) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back

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  (845): well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back http://tfl.nu/xxu5
  Replies (33) Good night (4118) Bad night (1259) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.

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  (270): True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor. http://tfl.nu/bso0
  Replies (10) Good night (1725) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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  (310): I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too http://tfl.nu/t8cv
  Replies (17) Good night (4708) Bad night (1389) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.

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  (720): Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego. http://tfl.nu/dgdq
  Replies (2) Good night (1197) Bad night (392) Order T-Shirt
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  (718): View more from New York

  he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty

  (917): View more from New York City

  smooth operator

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  (718): he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty (917): smooth operator http://tfl.nu/2sej
  Replies (25) Good night (7603) Bad night (1184)
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

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  (219): she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade. http://tfl.nu/8ipj
  Replies (11) Good night (3230) Bad night (1285) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  What do you think it is?

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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  (214): What do you think it is? (615): It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow. http://tfl.nu/3ng4
  Replies (12) Good night (4875) Bad night (1443)
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.

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  (641): IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS. http://tfl.nu/d7hp
  Replies (16) Good night (2350) Bad night (280) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

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  (270): No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call. http://tfl.nu/mofx
  Replies (11) Good night (3466) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.

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  (530): I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother. http://tfl.nu/6hsn
  Replies (9) Good night (2417) Bad night (976) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.

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  (330): I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot. http://tfl.nu/wf9d
  Replies (4) Good night (798) Bad night (476) Order T-Shirt
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.

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  (928): I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop. http://tfl.nu/tczb
  Replies (17) Good night (3278) Bad night (785) Order T-Shirt
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  :O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"

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  (971): :O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out" http://tfl.nu/uf6x
  Replies (30) Good night (745) Bad night (11409) Order T-Shirt
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut

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  (507): there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut http://tfl.nu/7k06
  Replies (40) Good night (5704) Bad night (788) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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  (423): my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg http://tfl.nu/cjr9
  Replies (65) Good night (18318) Bad night (1126) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.

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  (402): The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again. http://tfl.nu/sd6x
  Replies (11) Good night (1410) Bad night (3436) Order T-Shirt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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  (334): God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises. http://tfl.nu/xfua
  Replies (71) Good night (14669) Bad night (1052) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  DRUNK CANOEING

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Please text me if you survive.

  (207): View more from Maine

  LAND HO BITCH

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  (207): DRUNK CANOEING (804): Please text me if you survive. (207): LAND HO BITCH http://tfl.nu/6y3l
  Replies (27) Good night (9984) Bad night (749)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.

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  (406): I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price. http://tfl.nu/xxnk
  Replies (8) Good night (3039) Bad night (325)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours

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  (203): I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours http://tfl.nu/8ktt
  Replies (9) Good night (1644) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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  (845): alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization. http://tfl.nu/1m6d
  Replies (16) Good night (8433) Bad night (1099) Order T-Shirt
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.

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  (705): and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good. http://tfl.nu/bblv
  Replies (7) Good night (2684) Bad night (756) Order T-Shirt
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  (772): View more from Florida

  Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa

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  (772): Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa http://tfl.nu/i2pg
  Replies (11) Good night (1432) Bad night (450) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office

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  (217): the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office http://tfl.nu/i7an
  Replies (18) Good night (2638) Bad night (2203)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on

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  (774): Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on http://tfl.nu/movk
  Replies (5) Good night (2177) Bad night (625)
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  (714): View more from California

  he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick

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  (714): he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick http://tfl.nu/v3uh
  Replies (14) Good night (4568) Bad night (841) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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  (515): So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry. http://tfl.nu/0btw
  Replies (13) Good night (8609) Bad night (889)
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.

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  (780): I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag. http://tfl.nu/8hrl
  Replies (13) Good night (1068) Bad night (448) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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  (402): On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms. http://tfl.nu/59ye
  Replies (35) Good night (8279) Bad night (1056) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone

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  (262): put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone http://tfl.nu/kic6
  Replies (16) Good night (3523) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication

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  (717): Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication http://tfl.nu/j4oj
  Replies (11) Good night (952) Bad night (486) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
  Replies (87) Good night (14308) Bad night (2668) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life

  (619): View more from California

  with a huge shlong

  (440): View more from Ohio

  massive. i wanna make bitches cry

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  (440): if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life (619): with a huge shlong (440): massive. i wanna make bitches cry http://tfl.nu/imk4
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  (281): View more from Texas

  She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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  (281): She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out http://tfl.nu/guh4
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  (512): View more from Texas

  its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video

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  (512): its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video http://tfl.nu/p3je
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

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  (309): I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust. http://tfl.nu/mc9g
  Replies (6) Good night (5879) Bad night (853) Order T-Shirt