we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop