I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"