in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You're like the curious george of whores
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section