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Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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