That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.