Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
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If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!