Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife