he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
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You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us