I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class