dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
it's great music for shaving your balls
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."