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There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
time to smoke my breakfast
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I cannot find my penis.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
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