Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!