The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"