Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.