i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.