At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
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