In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
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dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.