she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.