Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight