Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight