What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...