You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.