How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
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All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
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Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,