...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.