I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho