Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."