Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
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We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
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Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
NoShamevember. You game?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..