He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just blew my weed a kiss
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?