I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.