My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?