come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.