When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.