I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud