I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair