I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
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Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
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there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.