so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.