Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.