drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it