drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it