Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.