Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.