Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
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Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
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I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.