I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.