So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."