I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...