We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Dating After Heartbreak
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard