Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.