Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"