Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"