She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.