I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
This Twitter User’s Story About Meeting A Notorious Serial Killer Will Leave You Shook
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
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I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?