I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
